just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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