I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
