I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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