The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
