dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
