I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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