Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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