So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
