I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
