I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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