Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
