you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
