.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
