whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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