I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
