She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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