He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Are my feet made of real feet?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
