i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
