Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
