I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
