Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
