i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
