Swine flu is the new snow day.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
