afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
