i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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