hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
