Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
