I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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