I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
