Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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