do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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