Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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