you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
