Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
