Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
