I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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