where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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