I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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