I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
