Dude my mom stole all your condoms
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
