i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize