**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
