You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
