how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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