i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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