The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
