Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
