Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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