My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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