Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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