The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
