My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
