so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
