are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
