The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
high people should be assigned attendants
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
