her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
