my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
