oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
