We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
