i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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