You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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