Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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